I kind of expected this to happen. Conflicting feelings, confusion, and anxiety… however, I didn’t expect it to be THIS bad….. there have been so many bad thoughts running through my brain. It’s things like: worthless, stupid, loser, fearful, just end it, give up, your husband is going to resent you for this, etc.
I told my husband, friends, and family. ‘I don’t think I can do this’. This, being LIFE. All have been giving me tremendous support during this tough time. I’m thankful for that. It’s so easy to just go into your bed and never leave except to go to the bathroom. And even that is debatable. Ha!
I just kinda wanted to give up. All together, just give up. ‘You win, life. You win. I cannot fight anymore. This is way too hard.’
So we’ve had this family vacation planned for months. And all I could think about is how much money this is gonna cost. Not even feeling joy in the moment. Sad.
The first day here I hadn’t eaten but one time (at 2 pm) and when we got to the house I went to bed at 630 pm and woke up at 830 am the next day. Honestly, the sleep did help. I felt better upon waking up. I did my workout and ate some eggs.
Grabbed a cup of coffee and made a list of all the feelings I was feeling and how I wanted to feel instead. I’m going to continue to do this every day so I can wire my brain into working how I want it to work instead of letting it control me with fears and doubts.
So then we set off to have some fun today. And it was actually fun.
I also was thinking…… I have already been through the death of a loved one, family illnesses, divorce, child custody wars, court and mediation with my ex husband, bankruptcy, foreclosure, vehicle repossession and I lived. So I’ll live through this too.
It is definitely a process to get through when you’re not expecting it. Emotionally and mentally. Just gotta keep plugging along.
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